After Letting Go

I honestly thought that letting go was going to be the hardest part of this whole process, but it wasn't. The time leading up to the conversation with Tim was excruciating. I didn't want to do it and wasn't sure I would until the moment it happened. After hanging up the phone, I felt relief that it was over. I had followed through in obedience to God. Surely it would get better from here. Right? Not the case. It was in the following days that I realized that the physical action of letting go was only the first step. My heart is still being pruned. God is more concerned with our hearts and He's obviously not finished working in mine.
I realized that I started to pull away from God over the 2-3 days following my conversation with Tim. I didn't want to pick up His Word and my prayers were short and few. Instead, I found myself watching more television, calling my friends, hanging out, sleeping, playing on facebook...whatever it took to drown my pain, push it away. I wouldn't even let myself cry. I was resenting God for making me give up my friend. But then God, in His mercy and kindness opened my eyes to what I was doing. I'm still fighting the urge to "run and hide", to cover my pain, but with a renewed sense of what is going on and that God wants me to come to Him.
He didn't ask me to let go of this friendship/relationship because He wanted to hurt me. He sees my pain but He also sees the pain that would have come if I had continued on the path I was on. He knows my frame, He knows how I am made..He knows my weaknesses and He sympathizes with them because He too was tempted in every way, only without sin. He loves me. He wants His best for me. He knows every tear I have shed and He says that He is the one who heals the brokenhearted. He is my comforter. He is my Father, and He wants me to come and lean on Him during this time as I grieve the loss of something I wanted so badly, something I thought for sure was from Him.
I am keenly aware of why God has said no to this relationship and I don't want it back, but that doesn't make the loss easier. I cried tonight, but it wasn't a pity party, it was a release brought on by the truth that I have a Heavenly Father who wants to work in my heart to make changes so that I do not make the same mistakes again. It was a genuine cry for spiritual revelation and regeneration in someone I love very much and also for grace for myself. It was me being honest with God and myself. It was the result of my heart breaking just a little more as I continue to let go and allow God to heal my pain, to put the pieces of my life together as He sees fit and not according to my desires...my dream needs to be torn apart so that God can mend my heart, make me the woman He wants me to be.
I am so grateful for a God who loves me so much, who will not give up on me even when I want to give up, who will discipline me and change me at whatever cost because He loves me and wants what is best for me.
Thank You, Father, for being faithful even when I am not. Thank You for holding me tightly even when I am trying to run and hide. Thank You for saving me even when I wasn't looking to be saved. I love you, LORD, because You first loved me. Thank you that I can come before Your throne of grace at anytime and in any condition, because Jesus paved the way.