Pushing through the Pain

If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would be where I am emotionally and spiritually today I would have said they were nuts. From the moment of my regeneration I have been someone whose faith could not be shaken (by the grace of God). No matter what was going on around me, I knew without doubt that God was Sovereign, that God was in control and that God would work all things for my good and His glory. But these last 4 months have revealed to me that my faith had waned. This isn't something that happened over night. For the last year I have had my core beliefs challenged by someone that I thought I was close to. I opened myself up to thoughts and opinions that this person held knowing full well that they were just that, thoughts and opinions without any biblical substance. I didn't realize how much it had effected me until I was asked (by God's grace) to give that friendship up. Now, mind you, this was the one relationship that I wanted more than anything else in this world so when I took the steps to end it in obedience to God and there was no turning back, well, quite honestly, I was hurting, angry, resentful. Why would God take this away from me? I rebelled. If He wasn't going to give me what I wanted then I was going to go out and find it on my own. Problem is, He wouldn't let me go. He loves me far too much to allow me to run. Yeah, He allowed me to make choices that I never would have made 6 months ago but in the meantime He was working it all for my good and for His glory. Suddenly aware that I was weak, sinful, and completely incapable of change apart from Him, I began to fall into a deep depression. The truths I once held so tightly, the faith once unshakable was being tested. Why? I had allowed the enemy and his lies a foot in the door through that very relationship that God wanted to end. I felt hopeless, helpless, scared and extremely guilty. I couldn't deal with the fact that God still loved me and was continuing to pursue me in the depths of my sinful rebellious choices, I didn't deserve His love. Although there is truth in that last statement, it is also true that it was my pride that desired to earn the free gift of Love that He has given me. I want to be worthy of it in my own strength. Apart from Christ, I will never be worthy, but in Christ I am completely worthy based solely on His death and resurrection and nothing that I do or do not do! Why would I question what God ha called me to give up? He saw the damage that was being done when I couldn't see it. He has not withheld anything good from me nor asked me to do something that didn't have my best interest at heart? He has always been faithful and has always been gracious.
So now where do I stand? I am standing on the Truth of the Scriptures. I am standing on my experience with God. I am humbly confessing that my pride has caused me to seek a hand in my salvation professing that there is nothing I can add to what He's done for me and that I accept His love on His terms. Am I out of the pit I jumped head first into? I don't think so, but I can see the light up above and it's getting closer. I have climbed into my Savior's arms and He is patiently and gently and carefully lifting me out of this pit I'm in, sparing me from any permanent damage. Isn't it amazing that the Good Shepard has come looking for this wondering sheep? that He will not let me go? that He will not allow me to be destroyed?
The most amazing thing is that in spite of where I am, He continues to use me. Even recently opening the door for me to share the Gospel with an unbelieving friend. One who is seeking to know God but struggling with faith???? How kind of God to allow me to struggle with some of those same questions that He has. How kind of God to allow me to speak Truth to this friend all the while speaking that same truth to myself, my own faith strengthening, my own awe of Him growing as I am realizing that He is not only at work in this friend, but in me and He is using me and my weakness to display His power.
Oh, what an amazing God we serve. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the LOVE OF GOD that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39
Praise God!