Amazing Grace

Go Big or Go Home

2011-10-23T06:18:00.000-07:00

So many times we're afraid to love completely because we're afraid of being hurt. Maybe you've never had that experience and if not then Praise God because that probably means that trust in your relationships throughout your life has was never broken beyond repair. For some of us, that's not the case, and it makes it that much harder to open up and let someone in. The truth is that God still calls us to love one another and our example of love is Christ, a complete and selfless love, a laying down of one's self without any expectation that that love will be returned. In a way, my experiences have prepared me to love that way and Jesus is giving me the grace to open up and walk it out more and more each day.
I heard a song on the radio the other day written by Matt Hammitt called "All of Me". He wrote it with his son Bowen in mind who was born a year ago with a heart defect and they weren't sure if Bowen was going to live. They had to make the decision to turst God and to love that little baby with every ounce of themselves even if in the end God was going to take him home. The song was so moving because it honestly made me question how I was treating a particular friendship and thinking about that particular friend. This person hurt me and basically had abandoned the friendship we once had and I was willing to just it go because I didn't want to be hurt again. But, I knew inside it wasn't what I really wanted and it hurt to think about it and so as I listened to the words of this song I began to think about the love of Christ toward me and the love I have for this particular friend and it became clear to me that I was gonna love this friend with everything in me even while they were choosing to walk away. I would pray for them, continue to reach out to them and just be there for them as Jesus is for me. Even if it hurt and meant no returns...I knew it was the work of the Spirit in my heart changing me as He so faithfully and gently does.
Can I just share with you that within seconds of the song ending and God working in my heart my phone rang and it was this friend asking what I was up to that night and if I wanted to hang out! All I could was laugh. God is so amazing. This person hadn't wanted to hang out in months. I told them I had just been thinking them and would love to. I don't know what God will do with this. But I can tell you, it's just the beginning, because when it comes to the people we love and care about most, we need to Go Big or Go Home! If you're gonna love somebody you need to love them with everything and with no expectations because that's what you're called to do.

Looking Back and Pressing On

2011-08-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

August 27, 2011

When I wrote my last post I thought it would take such a long time to get to where I am today but looking back what seems like forever ago has been mere months, yet God has been so kind and gracious in truly restoring my joy not in the things of this world like relationships, or my job, or school, but in HIM. Once I lifted my eyes and refocused on the One who truly loves me and provides ALL satisfaction the little things that were bothering me became smaller and less bothersome and life became more gratifying. I felt stronger and better able to face the "giants" I thought were holding me down.

It began with facing the enemy and telling him once again that he has no power here. Yes, I am a sinner, a weak and sinful creature who desires to play god, but, I HAVE ONE WHO DIED FOR MY SINS AND DECLARED ME RIGHTEOUS BEFORE A HOLY GOD! He saw who I was and that I could never satisfy the laws of God on my own and He chose to make a way for me because HE LOVES ME! There is was...another lie I could put to death...I am not unlovable because Jesus loves me and if He can love me in spite of the ugliness of my sins then I can love myself and I can learn to love others and most importantly, I can love HIM! I can forgive those who have wronged me this past year because none of them have sinned against me as much as I have sinned against God. Wow, see how changing focus starts a snowball effect? lol See, then, I wanted to share what God was doing in me with others in my life, which included complete honesty and confession of my own sin. Talk about a humbling experience.

I have to say that sitting down with my pastor and dear friend, Mike, and with my caregroup leader's wife and dear friend, Jen, was one of the best decisions that I made. It was emotional, tough, humbling, revealing and rewarding. It allowed me to come up with a plan of action to move forward with accountability so that I might continue to pursue God and righteousness. It doesn't mean I need to let go of the dreams I have for my life, it just means that I now have 3 godly woman to help me keep them in perspective with God's will for my life. It means I have help staying focused on God's Word and spending time with Him first and foremost because the minute I lose sight of that and make something worldly my priority, I'm no longer looking back, I'm running back and I don't want to run back, I want to press on toward the prize.

Philippians 3:7-21 "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself."

If you believe that you cannot attain true joy and complete satisfaction in this life you are mistaken. I know this to be true. It comes in knowing Jesus Christ and walking with Him daily.
He did not have to continue to pursue me when I pushed him away for other things but He did. He did not have to lift me up when I fell on my face after I found those things to be false and disappointing but He did. And He does not need to walk with me now on a daily basis filling me anew each morning but He does because it pleases Him. What better love is there? None. I dare you to find the man here that can compare...you won't. Unless he walks with Christ, he won't even be able to try. From here on out I wait on my Prince because I believe in the fairytale that He has written for me :-)

Restore my joy

2011-03-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how to move on from here. It's been a year or more and I have been so cold, so distant, chasing after things that I thought were so important, people that I thought truly cared but when push came to shove I found that none of it was real, only You. And here I stand, broken and hurt, seemingly alone, wondering why I wasted so much time, wondering why I believed the lie. And You, You never left my side. You gave me the space I needed to do what I had to do, knowing the pain I'd feel when I was through, but you stayed right here and when it was time You stepped in and said "enough", and now You're here to pick me up knowing full well that my heart desires to run still, to run back to the very things that hurt me, that leave me dissatisfied and broken. Why? I don't want to be this way, LORD, I don't want to want to run away. I want to change. I know the only thing that matters is my relationship with You, the only One who can truly satisfy me is You, so why do I keep falling back into the mentality that You are not enough. Why do I keep chasing after "more" when there isn't anything more?
All eyes are on me now, watching me as I feel the pain, the consequences of the choices I've made, the fruits of my labors over this past year or so, we reap what we sow, and yet, LORD, You are able to take what satan meant for evil and use it for Your Glory and so I am asking that You begin to restore my joy in You, lift my eyes and make me new, help me to walk upright and to always remember that I am in Your Presence, let the eyes that have seen me struggle and fall now see the power of God at work in my life, the power of Jesus Christ and knowing Him lifting me out of the valley I'm in and setting my feet on solid ground again. Help me to remember that I am no longer my own. I am Yours. You bought me at a great price and I owe you my life. Please give me the strength I need to get out of this place I'm in right now, give me the joy I know can come only from knowing You, knowing truth, restore my joy, LORD, forgive me for looking elsewhere for what can only be found in You. Forgive me for over stepping boundaries that were set in wisdom and love. Forgive me for turning my back on You, for asking You to leave me alone, LORD, I never really meant it. I love you because I know that You and You alone truly love me. Thank You for never letting go.

2010-10-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

2010-10-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to begin. I feel so distant anymore. My intentions today were to spend the entire day focusing on You, LORD. Instead, I woke up, started to clean my room, did my laundry, organized the living room, and before I knew it my dad was home, it was 5:30, the phone was ringing and it's time to get ready to go to caregroup and I haven't even said hello. Why? This isn't the way I want it to be. I don't want this distance between us and yet, I am the one that keeps running. What can I do to change it? to make it right? I need You, LORD. I am empty without You, weak, and useless on my own. Please, come and fill me up, please, come and hold me, lift me out of this darkness and make me new again, help me to smile again, give me joy in You again.
I feel so defeated.

I ache inside from my own loneliness, but also for those I love who are lost. I literally ache inside for those I love when I think about how they are living their lives, the choices they are making and the end that they are choosing and these days I am so aware of the how close I am to them, how easily I could be making those very same choices and living that very same life without conviction, without the light of Christ, without hope, without salvation and it tears me up inside. God, why me and why not them? Please, open our eyes, show us our need for You, show us the emptiness of our lives and show us Your Glory, show us Your mercy, Your kindness, Your grace and give us a longing for You and a hatred for this world and the lies that have entangled us and dragged us down. God, there are men and women that You have placed in my life and You have caused me to love them and it physically hurts me to think that they are dying, they are spiritually dead and they are dying day by day right before my eyes and there is NOTHING I can do, BUT You can, LORD, You can, and so I am crying out to You with everything in me and I am asking You to change their hearts and lives this coming year. Would you save these men and women who You care about and love more than I do? You have given me a heart for them, a love for them and a desire to see them saved because it is Your heart for them. I have to believe that. Please motivate me to pray more often, more passionately, more faithfully, ceaselessly for those that I love...make this my mission this year, LORD. Grow me in this one area from now through 2011 and I pray that you would allow me to see folks come to know You this year as a fruit of faithfulness and obedience and because You are merciful, kind and forgiving, a loving and gracious God. Change me, LORD, as a result. It is in the name of the One that I cling to, whom my salvation rests in completely, Jesus Christ my LORD, that I ask.
Let this be a year of regeneration and sanctification and let it begin with me!

Pushing through the Pain

2010-01-18T18:34:00.001-08:00

If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would be where I am emotionally and spiritually today I would have said they were nuts. From the moment of my regeneration I have been someone whose faith could not be shaken (by the grace of God). No matter what was going on around me, I knew without doubt that God was Sovereign, that God was in control and that God would work all things for my good and His glory. But these last 4 months have revealed to me that my faith had waned. This isn't something that happened over night. For the last year I have had my core beliefs challenged by someone that I thought I was close to. I opened myself up to thoughts and opinions that this person held knowing full well that they were just that, thoughts and opinions without any biblical substance. I didn't realize how much it had effected me until I was asked (by God's grace) to give that friendship up. Now, mind you, this was the one relationship that I wanted more than anything else in this world so when I took the steps to end it in obedience to God and there was no turning back, well, quite honestly, I was hurting, angry, resentful. Why would God take this away from me? I rebelled. If He wasn't going to give me what I wanted then I was going to go out and find it on my own. Problem is, He wouldn't let me go. He loves me far too much to allow me to run. Yeah, He allowed me to make choices that I never would have made 6 months ago but in the meantime He was working it all for my good and for His glory. Suddenly aware that I was weak, sinful, and completely incapable of change apart from Him, I began to fall into a deep depression. The truths I once held so tightly, the faith once unshakable was being tested. Why? I had allowed the enemy and his lies a foot in the door through that very relationship that God wanted to end. I felt hopeless, helpless, scared and extremely guilty. I couldn't deal with the fact that God still loved me and was continuing to pursue me in the depths of my sinful rebellious choices, I didn't deserve His love. Although there is truth in that last statement, it is also true that it was my pride that desired to earn the free gift of Love that He has given me. I want to be worthy of it in my own strength. Apart from Christ, I will never be worthy, but in Christ I am completely worthy based solely on His death and resurrection and nothing that I do or do not do! Why would I question what God ha called me to give up? He saw the damage that was being done when I couldn't see it. He has not withheld anything good from me nor asked me to do something that didn't have my best interest at heart? He has always been faithful and has always been gracious.
So now where do I stand? I am standing on the Truth of the Scriptures. I am standing on my experience with God. I am humbly confessing that my pride has caused me to seek a hand in my salvation professing that there is nothing I can add to what He's done for me and that I accept His love on His terms. Am I out of the pit I jumped head first into? I don't think so, but I can see the light up above and it's getting closer. I have climbed into my Savior's arms and He is patiently and gently and carefully lifting me out of this pit I'm in, sparing me from any permanent damage. Isn't it amazing that the Good Shepard has come looking for this wondering sheep? that He will not let me go? that He will not allow me to be destroyed?
The most amazing thing is that in spite of where I am, He continues to use me. Even recently opening the door for me to share the Gospel with an unbelieving friend. One who is seeking to know God but struggling with faith???? How kind of God to allow me to struggle with some of those same questions that He has. How kind of God to allow me to speak Truth to this friend all the while speaking that same truth to myself, my own faith strengthening, my own awe of Him growing as I am realizing that He is not only at work in this friend, but in me and He is using me and my weakness to display His power.
Oh, what an amazing God we serve. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the LOVE OF GOD that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Rom 8:38-39
Praise God!

Finding Peace in the Pain

2009-09-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how our bodies hold onto memories and the slightest things can set us off. Two days ago I was sitting in the living room at work and Dana opened the door to let the dog out and left the door open. As I sat there playing Scrabble on my phone the cool autumn breeze blew through the screen and the smell of the air triggered thoughts of camping trips and walks in the park and it made me cry. This is going to be a long and rough road, but I know it's the right road and I know that God will give me the grace I need to keep walking it. There is peace in the pain of letting go because I know that God has so much more on the other side, like the calm in the storm. It's interesting to me as I walk through this process of grieving I am learning much about myself and much about my God. He loves me, that I cannot deny. I am so grateful for that truth. I don't regret obeying Him. I don't resent Him for asking me to let go of Tim. I know that this is how it has to be. It still hurts, but not as badly.
I know now, why it's so important to guard your heart, to seek God and to heed the warnings that He sends. He uses all things to His glory. He is working all things for our good. I believe this with all my heart, which is why I'll keep walking this road. I walk with hope that there is great joy in store. Even now, there is joy in knowing that God has a future and a plan for my life and that He loves me so much that He will not let anything get in the way...even me!

After Letting Go

2009-09-07T19:41:00.000-07:00

I honestly thought that letting go was going to be the hardest part of this whole process, but it wasn't. The time leading up to the conversation with Tim was excruciating. I didn't want to do it and wasn't sure I would until the moment it happened. After hanging up the phone, I felt relief that it was over. I had followed through in obedience to God. Surely it would get better from here. Right? Not the case. It was in the following days that I realized that the physical action of letting go was only the first step. My heart is still being pruned. God is more concerned with our hearts and He's obviously not finished working in mine.
I realized that I started to pull away from God over the 2-3 days following my conversation with Tim. I didn't want to pick up His Word and my prayers were short and few. Instead, I found myself watching more television, calling my friends, hanging out, sleeping, playing on facebook...whatever it took to drown my pain, push it away. I wouldn't even let myself cry. I was resenting God for making me give up my friend. But then God, in His mercy and kindness opened my eyes to what I was doing. I'm still fighting the urge to "run and hide", to cover my pain, but with a renewed sense of what is going on and that God wants me to come to Him.
He didn't ask me to let go of this friendship/relationship because He wanted to hurt me. He sees my pain but He also sees the pain that would have come if I had continued on the path I was on. He knows my frame, He knows how I am made..He knows my weaknesses and He sympathizes with them because He too was tempted in every way, only without sin. He loves me. He wants His best for me. He knows every tear I have shed and He says that He is the one who heals the brokenhearted. He is my comforter. He is my Father, and He wants me to come and lean on Him during this time as I grieve the loss of something I wanted so badly, something I thought for sure was from Him.
I am keenly aware of why God has said no to this relationship and I don't want it back, but that doesn't make the loss easier. I cried tonight, but it wasn't a pity party, it was a release brought on by the truth that I have a Heavenly Father who wants to work in my heart to make changes so that I do not make the same mistakes again. It was a genuine cry for spiritual revelation and regeneration in someone I love very much and also for grace for myself. It was me being honest with God and myself. It was the result of my heart breaking just a little more as I continue to let go and allow God to heal my pain, to put the pieces of my life together as He sees fit and not according to my desires...my dream needs to be torn apart so that God can mend my heart, make me the woman He wants me to be.
I am so grateful for a God who loves me so much, who will not give up on me even when I want to give up, who will discipline me and change me at whatever cost because He loves me and wants what is best for me.
Thank You, Father, for being faithful even when I am not. Thank You for holding me tightly even when I am trying to run and hide. Thank You for saving me even when I wasn't looking to be saved. I love you, LORD, because You first loved me. Thank you that I can come before Your throne of grace at anytime and in any condition, because Jesus paved the way.

Letting Go

2009-08-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

True faith is learning to let go, trusting that God can and will do what is best for you as you choose to walk in obedience to Him no matter how hard it may seem. In fact, the harder it is the more we must press into Him, cry out to Him. Letting go of Idols is difficult. Even when God says "do you want _____ or ME?" my sinful heart hesitates and only by His grace decides that it's HIM I truly want. Yet, I still want to look back, question why I have to give it up, bargain with Him..."what if I promise to put You first, can't I still have _____?" God is so patient, so gentle and kind, abounding in steadfast love for those He calls HIS own. Why am I afraid that He will "leave me hanging"? Why can't I trust Him, why can't I stay the course? I can relate so well to Paul when he talks about doing the things he doesn't want to do and not being able to do the things he wants to do...the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is soooo weak. Praise God that we have ONE who was able to do it for us. ONE who was tempted in every way as we were, but was without sin, who sympathizes with our weaknesses, who fulfilled the law we NEVER could and then died in our place so that we can be declared righteous before a HOLY GOD! Oh, how aware I am of my weakness, but even more aware of the power of GOD to save. He is my strength and He alone is my refuge. Oh, God, help me to turn from my Idols and my sin and Follow You. I am weak and unable to do so on my own. I need Your help. You are my Salvation! I praise You oh Glorious One.

What is God calling you to leave behind?

saying goodbye

2009-08-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

today I said goodbye to an incredible woman, my grandmother. Today she went home to be with Jesus. It's a confusing time emotionally. I'm saddened at the loss of someone I love but I can't help but be excited about the thought that she is rejoicing before the throne of God. One minute I want to cry and the next I want to Praise God that she is no longer suffering. As a christian, death is bittersweet. It's just a right of passage to something far greater, unimaginably greater. Yet, as human beings we suffer when someone we love passes on. My Noni was a great woman. She was incredibly strong and hardworking, nurturing and caring. She loved God and she loved her family.
She lived through WWII, most of the time on the run with 2 small children (1 of whom was my dad). She moved here to America with her family in 1950's and 4 years after being here lost her husband to stomach cancer. A single mom of 5 children, she worked as a seamstress for Joseph Horns and she still found time to cook from scratch and care for her kids. She never remarried. When her oldest son lost his wife in a car accident and left him a widow with 4 children, she moved in and helped him care for them until he was remarried. Every Sunday she would gather her family of 5 kids and 17 grandkids so that we could enjoy great food and time together. She would love to sing and I think that's where my love of music came from. I will miss her very much, but I look forward to the day that I will stand in heaven with her and worship our God and Savior.

Fasting from television

2009-08-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

So, I chose to fast from television over the last three days so that I could spend that time with God instead. I have to say that it's been nice. It all started 3 nights ago when the Holy Spirit made me aware of my intense desire to lose weight and my diligence in working out every day. I make the effort every night to do my work out and I don't let anything get in the way; not mood, time, fatigue, other people, television...nothing. SO, WHY THEN, if I desire to grow in my relationship with God and my knowledge of Him, do I not make that same effort to spend time with HIM? I know, seems so simple, but it just hit me and I knew that it needed to change. Now, I fully and completely credit the Holy Spirit for opening my eyes and because He has, I can fully trust that He will provide the grace I need to do it, BUT, I also need to take action. The Bible is filled with verbs... those little words that tell us what we need to do in response, and that is where the fast from television came about. I am allowing myself the time to view my work out videos, but anything else is off limits. At work, while Sammie sleeps, no more television until I've spent time before God, quality time, in His word and still before Him, waiting to hear from Him. Late at night before bed, same thing. I'm not saying no more television ever, but for now, at least, it's got to be shut off. I am excited to see how God will use this time. I am excited to spend time with Him and to get to know Him better. Please feel free to pray for me.

2009-04-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Why is it so easy to doubt God when He is the only One who has been completely faithful? The only answer i can come up with is , of course, sin. I doubt God because I look at my situation and things are not going the way I think they should, so I begin to believe that God is not for me, that He is withholding something from me, that He wants to see me hurting. How absurd are these thoughts, and yet, these are the very things that I have been believing. How do you fight this? With the truth, obviously, but when you're in the midst of this doubt how do you lift your eyes to find the truth? Isn't that what the church is for? Isn't that why God gave us friendships? Are we not to point one another to Christ and to remind one another of truth? How do we do that when we're too busy to bother? I know that I am guilty of this. I get so caught up in my own life and everything that needs to occur, that I forget to pick up the phone and call to see how the rest of you are doing. The church at large is guilty of this. In our society today it's all about me, me, me and everything is on high speed and there are so many distractions. As we pray for "revival" in our church, I pray that the Holy Spirit would step in and lift our eyes first and foremost to Christ and to our Heavenly Father, but also to direct our gaze outward to the needs of those around us, both spiritual and physical, and that He would remove the distractions of the world so that we can focus on what is most important....Love! Loving our God with all our hearts, minds and souls, and loving our neighbors as ourselves. If I loved my neighbor even a 10th of how I love myself what a difference I could make in their life.
Father, forgive me for my selfish pursuits and my vain obsessions. Help me to lift my eyes toward Heaven and to be more aware of those around me. Help me to grow in love for my neighbors, my brothers and sister in the church, my family...help me to place others needs above my own. Show me where I can step outside of myself more and position myself to do Your work.
Thank You for even bringing this to my attention, because You want to change me. I am so grateful that You never let me go and that there is NOTHING that can separate me from the love of Christ, because even when there is no one else there to point me to Christ, even when I am in the midst of trial and doubt, YOU will not leave me or forsake me, You lift my eyes and gently point me to the cross and remind me that I am Yours and that You love me. Thank You. Oh God, my God, how I long to see You face to face, to sing Your praises for all eternity and to know You. Thank YOU for loving me.

Looking Back

2009-02-20T16:52:00.000-08:00

So, recently I have had a number of people from grade school and high school get in touch with me through facebook. It's been an interesting time for me to reflect on God's grace and goodness in my life, in lifting me out of my former life and giving me a new one. But, it's also caused me to look back at some not so wonderful memories. Believe it or not, I was not at all popular in school. In fact, I was the object of much ridicule and teasing. I'm not sure why. I think it was because I was shy and quiet, an easy target back then, younger than everyone else in my class. I used to let it bother me. In fact, my grade school experience left me quite depressed and lonely, questioning God as to why I was so unloveable? Why no one liked me. The truth is, not everyone treated me poorly. It was a small group of girls and a few guys, but it was every day. Over the years, as I moved to Uniontown, started high school, met new people, I learned that I wasn't the only one that was outcast. I began to look for people who didn't fit in and make friends with them. I decided that no one should ever feel the way I did in school. For those of you who know me now, you'll note that one of my greatest giftings is including everyone in my life, no matter how different. God used that time to plant in me a seed of compassion that He continually waters with His Spirit so that it continues to grow. Had I not experienced the things I did, I may have turned out completely different. In fact, I could imagine that I'd be pretty arrogant and not very caring at all. God knew what He was doing. Why does that always surprise me? It shouldn't! I am who I am today because of each and every experience that God allowed in my life. I have been stuck on Psalm 139:16 lately. God had written all the days of my life before there was any. He has woven together an intricate plan for my life that will make me the person He has designed me to be for the purpose of bringing Him glory. In the meantime, He has allowed me to enjoy many blessings, suffer many trials that I might grow, love many people, and in the end......see Him face to face and enjoy Him for all eternity! Who would have thought getting in touch with the painful past could point me to a far greater future. God is good no matter what is going on around you. He loves you and He has a plan for your life. Praise Him because He is worthy!

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T15:06:00.000-08:00

This is the first year in many that I didn't wake up to find my heart bitter that there is no special someone in my life and do you know why? Because I realized that there is. I chose to think upon, spend time with and rest in the only One that will never let me go. Jesus is the ultimate valentine. I decided this year to refocus. I am not alone. Yes, I desire to have a relationship here on earth with a wonderful man, but even if I had that, it couldn't compare to what I already have in Jesus. It amazes me to see God's grace in my life for this particular area. There was a time when I would hear someone say you may never get married and I would break down in tears. I noticed contentment in this area about 3 years ago and then God tested me by bringing an incredible guy into my life and then asking me to give him up. It was hard, very hard, but He gave me grace to obey and He gave me grace to move on and to remain content. Recently, I have struggled with discontentment and depression. I hadn't even seen it coming, but, BOOM, there it was. I had to stop and examine my heart and ask myself why? The truth is that I was focusing too much on what I wanted and didn't have and that was causing me to doubt God's goodness toward me. He loves me so much that He didn't allow me to stay in that place for longer than 2 weeks before He lifted my eyes back to Him. Since then, I have found myself desiring to be in His Word more, spending time communicating with Him more and quite frankly, falling more in love with Him. It was easy this year to see who my heart belongs to and who I should spend today with.
I spent the afternoon watching the first half of The Gospel of John movie focusing on Jesus and why He came to this earth. Yes, it was for His Father's glory, for His glory, BUT, it was also because He loved the world. He loved us! He still loves us and intercedes for us. I like to think about his relationship with his disciples and how affectionate and compassionate He was with them. Just think about John, reclining with his head on the savior's chest! There was true love and intimacy between them that can only exist in Christ. How I long to sit with the Savior and rest my head on his chest and experience the pure sweet love that only He can offer. As long as my eyes remain there, I have no need to "feel" discouraged, depressed or discontent, but every reason to rejoice and to place my hope and trust in Him. And as His word says, "Delight thyself also in the LORD; and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass." I have no need to concern myself with the things of this world that I think I need or want, because He knows and wants what is best for me and will bring it about in His timing as I delight in Him, nothing shall I want and everything else will seem but a blessing added to the greatest gift of all.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Wait for the Lord

2009-02-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

This has been a theme in my life as of late, or maybe for much longer than I was aware, but now, by God's grace, my ears are opened and I can hear His soft and gentle voice saying, "Wait. Trust in Me and Wait. My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you. Your days, every one, I have formed for you, take refuge in Me. Wait."
How comforting to remember that our God loves us. He has a plan for us. He delights in lavishing us with His Spirit, with His blessings, so that we might know Him better. He knows that as we know Him better and delight in Him more we are fully satisfied and filled with joy.
It's easy to say this now, as I am meditating on this truth right now, but oh, how easy it is to forget as we walk out the daily routines of our lives with our eyes fixed on what we "need" but do not have, what we want and do not have, what we believe will make us "happy" but won't. It is a reminder of our weakness and our continued need for the Savior and that should point us back to truth. It may take longer sometimes than others, but isn't it sweet that He is faithful even when we are unfaithful? What a joy to know that I am in His grasp and nothing can seperate me from His love. Amazing!
So, I will wait on Him (as if we really have another option - We can wait in cooperation and joy for what we know will be His very best for us, far exceeding any plans we may have had for ourselves, or we can wait in sadness, complaining and focused on what we do not have yet, or we can stubbornly pursue our own way suffering the consequences of our sinful behavior, ultimately missing many blessings along the way and still waiting on Him to move as He pleases, because He is God and there is NO ONE like Him). I pray that the majority of time, by His grace, I will wait in joy and expectation for His timing and purpose. I pray that if sadness grabs ahold of me that He will lift my eyes to Jesus, reminding me that He has a better plan for me than I can think or imagine and that He will bring it to fruition in His PERFECT timing. I will wait and seek after Him, going about His business and trying desperately to look for and count every blessing along the way.
One of my all time favorite bands (Aerosmith) once said that "life's a journey not a destination", there's so much truth to that (whether they totally realized it or not). Well, so is our Spiritual walk. Our destination as believers has already been determined and declared by the finished work of Christ. God is concerned with our hearts now as we continue the journey of this life. So, no matter how difficult it may be as I wait on God, I pray that He will help me to keep my eyes on the goal, the prize, and to remember that He has a plan in every trial and in every joy along the way.
"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; Wait for the Lord!" Psalm 22: 14

My Review of Buff Wear

2009-01-29T12:55:00.001-08:00

REI

A new adventure-tech accessory, multi-functional Buff® Wear is a bandana, ponytail holder, sun-guard, scarf or hat, neck gaiter or dust screen.

Loved it so much I had to buy another

forest pixie Pittsburgh, PA 1/29/2009

Gift: No

Pros: Stylish, Good Fit, Durable, Comfortable

Best Uses: Casual Wear, Wear To Work

Describe Yourself: Trendy/Stylish Dresser

Comfort vs Style: Comfort Driven

I will never work out without my Buff again. I no longer have to worry about sweat dripping down my face and into my eyes during a work out, a hike, or sitting at the pool. It looks great. It feels great and it's stylish! I love it so much that I bought one for my friend as a birthday gift. I'll use it til it falls apart and then buy another!

The ultimate in headgear

: Using Product, Picture of Product

()

Running the Race- Hebrew 12

2009-01-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

"...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, LOOKING TO JESUS, the founder and perfector of our faith, WHO FOR THE JOY THAT WAS SET BEFORE HIM ENDURED THE CROSS, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. CONSIDER HIM WHO ENDURED FROM SINNERS SUCH HOSTILITY AGAINST HIMSELF, SO THAT YOU DO NOT GROW WEARY OR FAINTHEARTED. In your struggle against sin YOU HAVE NOT YET RESISTED TO THE POINT OF SHEDDING YOUR BLOOD...."

Jesus was able to endure the cross because he looked ahead to the joy that was set before Him. He endured the wrath of God for sin that He did not commit, so that the very sinners who showed him such hostility could turn to Him for salvation, that they would not have to resist to the point of shedding their own blood. We have a high priest who sympathizes with us because He was tempted in every way we were, only without sin. He died for us so that we could have a relationship with God the Father, so that we can look forward to the joy that is set before us who are in Christ Jesus. We do not come to what may be touched, but to Mount Zion, "the city of the LIVING GOD! the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to JESUS, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel." this same Jesus who bore the wrath for our sins now sits enthroned at the right hand of God the Father and intercedes on our behalf! What wondrous love is this? To God and to the Lamb I will sing!
This is the hope that should drive us, the joy that we should look to as we walk through this life, as we face trials of various kinds. This is what God has been showing me today. As He spent the last 3 weeks, patiently, gently and lovingly disciplining me, drawing me out and making me aware of where I have misplaced my joy, my hope, my love. He is not satisfied with sharing my heart with idols. He wants all of it. Why should He not have it all? He paid the greatest price for it. God disciplines His children, the Lord disciplines the one He loves. He is jealous for our affections and rightly so. As He walked me to the altar to lay down my idols, I was reminded of Abraham as he walked to the altar to sacrifice his son. Abraham knew that God could raise Isaac from the dead in order to fulfill His promise to Abraham. He had faith that God could provide a lamb and God did. How big is my God? Can He not also provide for me all that I need or desire? Absolutely! He already has in the finished work of Christ!
Amazingly enough, as I laid down my idol, God provided a lamb. He did not take away from me but gave me a new perspective, a new hope, a greater hope. he revealed more of Himself and His power to me. He grew my faith and stretched me to the point where I thought I would break, but He brought healing and peace instead of pain. He is faithful even when we are faithless. His plans are not to harm us but to prosper us. We need only trust in Him. Follow Him. Seek Him and His kingdom.
My hearts cry is that this be my prayer, "One thing have I asked of You Lord, that will I seek after, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.....You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to You, Your face, Lord, do I seek." (Psalm 27) Let my soul delight in You, oh gracious and merciful God. Thank You for not allowing me to be satisfied with anything less.
Run the Race. Endure! "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, BUT later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it". In the end, we are welcomed into a kingdom that cannot be shaken, so "let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire". AMEN

politically impolite

2008-10-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I am appalled at the behavior of some of the people I run into. I mean, does my political affiliation really define who I am as a person? Should you pass judgements on a person or his/her character based on the man/woman they're voting for? It's ridiculous really. I mean, we cannot judge the motives for why they believe what they do or why they're voting the way they're voting, no matter how much we may disagree.

I can't tell you how often I overhear people discussing who they're voting for, why, and why anyone who isn't is stupid, uneducated, nuts, somehow less of a human being than they themselves are, because, of course, they are right in their choice and vision for this country....you're not! I know I can be guilty of this same mentality at times and I have to wonder why? Why have the politicians, the media and whacko nutjobs on both sides of the spectrum pit us against one another? When did we become a country divided? Aren't we all Americans who want what's best for ourselves, the world around us and the next generation? maybe we have different ideas as to how that should come about, that's what elections are for. But you cast your vote in the booth and you wake up the next day and you continue living and striving together for the best for everyone! Our hope is so misplaced!

GOT HOPE? Yeah, it's in Jesus Christ, not Barak Obama (or McCain/Palin)

God is the author of all things and no matter who is elected president of the USA on Nov. 4th, He placed them there and He has a plan to use them to bring about His Will.

That doesn't mean we shouldn't do our best to vote for and encourage others to vote for the man/woman whose ideals most match up with HIS! It's our duty, our right, our privilege, our responsibility to do so, but not by ripping apart the other guy. We are called to love and pray for our enemies as well as our friends/family. Are we honoring God when we spew negative words about any candidate, the media, or our neighbor?

God help me and help us all to trust you this election season and to lift both candidates up in prayer. Help me to guard my tongue and to remember that each of these men was made in your image and that alone should cause me to stop and think before I speak! May your man get into office Nov. 4th and may your Will be done, not mine! Give me grace and wisdom when I cast my vote and peace that You control the outcome.

Again, put not your trust in princes (or presidents) but in the One who created them.

AMEN!?

Put Not Your Trust in Princes (or Presidents) Psalm 146

2008-08-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

As election time draws nearer, I feel my blood pressure rising, anger in my heart at the mention of certain names, fear as I listen to talk show hosts elaborate on a candidate's ideals and why? The answer is simple, my trust has been misplaced.

I sat down this morning to do my quiet time beginning by praying through a Psalm. I used a little trick I learned from Donald Whitney at a recent worship conference where you start with the Psalm that corresponds to the date and then you add 30 to that until you have a total of 5 Psalms to choose from. So, today was the 26 (+30), 56 (+30), 86 (+30), 116 (+30), 146! I glanced over them and in light of my recent anxiety, chose to pray through Psalm 146.

It begins with Praise for our Lord and King! and then in verse 3-9, these words of Wisdom:

"Put not your trust in princes, in a son of man, in whom there is no salvation. When his breath departs, he returns to the earth" on that very day his plans perish.

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keep faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed, who gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free; the Lord opens the eyes of the blind. The Lord lifts up those who are bowed down; The Lord loves the righteous. The Lord watches the sojourners; He upholds the widow and the fatherless, but the way of the wicked He brings to ruin."

The Psalm ends with this glorious promise...."THE LORD WILL REIGN FOREVER, your God, O Zion, to ALL generations. Praise the Lord!"

No matter who sits behind that desk in the oval office it is the Lord God who reigns, forever!

That's a reason to sing and shout for joy, to rejoice, no matter who is elected. It is the Lord who does all things....He who takes care of the oppressed and He who feeds the hungry and cares for the fatherless and the widows, and He who will bring the wicked to ruin!

Where is your hope today?

I recently became very angry about a friend's choice in candidate because my hope was in the man I plan to vote for in the coming election. To that friend (and you know who you are), I apologize. I totally respect you and your right to vote for whoever you choose....that is a blessing of being an American. I don't agree with your choice but this I know we can both agree on, that no matter who the next President of the USA is, it is not he who reigns, but the Lord God Almighty! Nothing can thwart His plans and as verse 4 so honestly states about both Obama and McCain...."when his breath departs, he returns to the earth; on that very day his plans perish".

I'm standing firm on the truth this election year. I will go and vote for the candidate that, in my opinion, best lines up with the ideals of the Bible and will go home and pray that He who places all men in positions of authority will be honored as His will is accomplished here on this earth!

Praise God! Forever and Ever!

What does it mean to truly love another?

2008-07-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

1 Cor. 13:1-13 (ESV) If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. [2] And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. [3] If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. [4] Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant [5] or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; [6] it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. [7] Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. [8] Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. [9] For we know in part and we prophesy in part, [10] but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. [11] When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. [12] For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. [13] So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. In a world as busy as the one we live in, how many of us can say that we are truly loving one another the way Christ has called us to love? I must confess that I fall very short in this biblical command. My life is packed with activities, work, church, school, chores, work! I barely have time to collect my thoughts before I move on to the next thing on my list. A lot of it is necessary, but when I finally have a few minutes to unwind, the last thing I want to do is pick up the phone and call someone, or get in my car and go to visit someone. Jesus made it very clear that we were to love one another, to place other's needs before our own, to love others as we love ourselves. I'm failing.

Recently a friend put together a prayer vigil for the sake of her brother's salvation. A round the clock prayer vigil for 3 days. I was convicted and challenged by the love displayed in that one act. How often do I pray earnestly and unceasingly for those I "love" who are lost? I'm too busy. Is that a good enough excuse? Absolutely NOT! As christians that should be our greatest passion for those we love who don't know Jesus.

I've also been aware of the busyness of life within the church these days and I confess that I am the worst at this. How often do we make time for one another, to invest in one another's lives, to pray for one another? and how often do we just not have time, have somthing else going on?
What are we doing? We have been given a command to love and an example of what that means....to lay down our lives for another!
Oh God, please impress this on our hearts. Help us to let go of the busyness of this world. Help us to stop and truly consider every activity on our books and seek whether or not it's Your will for our lives or whether You have something else You want us to do with that time You've given us. Help us to invest in one another, lay down our lives for one another. Lord, give us a passion for the lost, let our heart's cry be for their salvation. Let us pray unceasingly for Your work in their lives. Give us grace to change, Lord. Convict us where necessary and point us to the cross as we desperately try to live out this command. Let us look to other's needs before our own.
Give us grace to grow in love, true love, as You have loved, Lord Jesus! That You may be glorified in our lives. AMEN

Back to school

2008-07-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

I am officially registered for classes starting August 18th! The scariest part of that statement is that I am only going to be 2 weeks into my healing process after the surgery.....what am I thinking, right? Everyone I spoke with who's had a C-Section says that I should be fine by then and that the doctors are very conservative with the healing time. I guess we'll see. For those who don't know, I am having the surgery to remove a uterine fibroid the size of a softball. FUN!
On another note, I am also getting ready to say good-bye, once again, to a family I've worked with for 2 years. Being a nanny is rewarding in so many ways, but this is the part I dread. You fall in love with the kids (and if you're really blessed, the family too) and then the inevitable happens, they move on. In this case, as well as the last, they are physically moving out of state. The boys will leave for California August 6th. It's sad. I will most certainly miss them. It's been such a blessing to work with them over the last two years. To watch them grow and mature. To see them learning and taking risks that they wouldn't have a year ago. It's really cool to be a part of it. I love knowing that God is using me in the lives of all these children He has given me the distinct privilege of caring for. The nice thing about this time is that they will be moving back to Pittsburgh in a year, so I'll be able to spend time with them again when they return. That makes it a little easier to say good-bye. doesn't mean I'll miss them any less.
I am excited, however, for the next chapter of my life. God is always so good to me. I can't wait to see what He has planned for me in the coming year with the new nanny position and the new teaching job! What I've noticed is that with each new experience God has grown me in trusting Him and in remembering that ultimately, everything I do at work is for His glory. It's not necessarily about my comfort or happiness with everything that I'm dealing with. It's about my response to what God has laid out before me. His grace in this area is more and more evident with every struggle I face. Oh, how wonderful it is to be grateful for the struggles. It is in those times that we must trust God and our faith is grown! Praise God because He is worthy in all things to be praised! AMEN!

Praise God

2008-07-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

So, this morning was a bit of a battle, but God won!
I tried to go back to sleep again when the alarm went off and managed to hit snooze twice, but God graciously persisted and of course, came out the winner. I finally got out of bed and spent about 20 minutes in Valley of the Vision, using the morning prayers and devotions to focus myself. It was so worth it. Tomorrow, I'll try for half an hour! "Baby Steps"! Please pray for me. Thanks.

GOD IS GOOD! amen

What a fool I've been

2008-07-08T13:15:00.001-07:00

Romans 1:22-23 (ESV) Claiming to be wise, they became fools, [23] and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

According to this part of Scripture, to be a fool is to exchange the glory of the immortal God for idols, anything that is receiving my affection and my attention that rightly belongs to God. What a fool I've been. Often times I find something pulling my affection from God; television, internet, chores, friends, the telephone, and most recently....SLEEP! Every morning God has graciously awakened me at 6:30, even before my alarm goes off, so that I can go and spend time with Him and every morning, this foolish heart begins by asking, "what am I gonna do with all this time? I'll be so tired later if I don't rest, I'm not even sure what I'd study, I'll just go back to sleep and do my quiet time later when the boys are sleeping"......WHY? God wants to spend time with me, why is it that I want to spend that time sleeping? My heart has placed sleep above God. Only a fool would make that choice!

I specifically asked God to allow me that time in the morning, because it's the most quiet part of the day. The business hasn't begun and I can quiet my heart, be still, and know that He is God.

Lord, give me the grace to stop listening to myself in the mornings and to start talking to myself about the truth. You will meet me in that time. You will fill that time with Your goodness. You will bless that time spent with You and allow me the pleasure of experiencing Your presence. Please don't give up on me now, Lord. Continue to call me at 6:00/6:30 in Your gentle quiet voice and if I don't listen, shove me out of bed! I want to spend this time with You. I want to hear You, to be in Your Word. Forgive me, for finding greater pleasure in sleep than in spending time with You. Thank You for making me aware of my sinful choice and please, Lord give me the grace to change, to find greater joy in You! I pray this in the name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, for Your glory Lord. Help me to break my sleep idol. AMEN!

What happens come Fall?

2008-07-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

So, this morning I had an interview with a preschool I worked in over 10 years ago. It went really well. I'm pleased with the interview, the people who "still" work there and the way the school is run. I'm at peace with the morning's outcome. I desperately wanted things to work out for me to remain at Shady Lane with the classroom and teachers I know so well, but it seems as if maybe God has other plans. The hours I have are not conducive to the needs at Shady Lane and I understand that they must fill the needs of the schedule there. It saddens me to think that I may not be going back, but it excites me to know that God has a plan that I am not aware of.

I am having surgery August 4th to have a fibroid tumor removed from my uterus. It is about the size of a softball and from what I have been learning lately, has caused my lack of energy, fatigue, pain and discomfort, and frequent trips to the bathroom! My doctor informed me that it is as if I am walking around 3 months pregnant all the time! Glad to be getting rid of it. I am going to require 4-6 weeks recovery time so I will not be working the remainder of the summer after my boys and their family move to California. My goal is to find a new job beginning September 1-15, depending on how I'm feeling. I have already been blessed to have been offered a part-time/after school nanny position for 2 of the most wonderfully amazingly sweet little girls. I couldn't have asked for a better family to work for. My dilemma is that it's not enough hours to only work that job and so I need to find a daytime position, as well. That's where I was hoping Shady Lane would come in. But alas, God may be moving elsewhere.

This week I had to take Connor to chess camp which happens to meet in the old preschool I mentioned earlier. Upon dropping him off, I ran into the director of the center and we talked about what had been going on and what I was up to and when she heard that I would be looking, she invited me to fill out an application and then immediately set up an interview with her partner for today. They are very excited about the possibility of having me return to work in the 3 day 3's class M-W-F and the 2 Day 2's class T- TH. It would be 30 hours a week, exactly the hours I'm looking for and would include medical benefits at those hours (instead of the 40 Shady Lane would have required). They would want me to start September 2 so that I can meet the parents and children, and they are most likely willing to match my current salary from SL, which for preschool, is pretty darn good! So, as I left the Center this morning, I had this sense of peace that what God has already planned for my life was unfolding right in front of me and that trusting Him was the best and only thing I can do for the fall.

Isn't He good and faithful to care for us and provide for us and guide us as He has promised!

What happens come Fall? Only time will tell. God has it all worked out and I am waiting on Him to lead me!

Happy 4Th of July!

Delighting in Him!

2008-07-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

Psalm 1:1-2 "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night."

Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:23 "The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His way, though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand."

DELIGHT-to take great pleasure (v); 1: a high degree of gratification : joy; also : extreme satisfaction 2: something that gives great pleasure 3: the power of affording pleasure (n)

Do I take great pleasure in the law of the Lord? Do I find a high degree of gratification in Him? Does His way give me extreme satisfaction?

If I truly stop to think about it, if I'm brutally honest, the answer is often times, no! is it because He is not extremely satisfying, or that there is not gratification in His laws, absolutely not! It is that my sinful heart, more often than not, believes that it knows better. I mean, think about it, right? What does my daydreaming say about my delighting in His way? What it really reveals is a dissatisfied heart that is longing for something other than Him and His will for my life in that moment! Doesn't it? My obsession with paying down my debt does not reveal a heart that is taking pleasure in Him, but one that just wants to be FREE of this burden unaware of the lesson that God may have in the process of paying it down. Again, paying down your debt is a good goal, but if it distracts you from the One who paid your greatest debt, or lessens your joy in Him, then sin is distorting your heart, your response, and your view of God.

This morning and this afternoon, God was kind to allow me opportunity to read His word while the boys I nanny for were running around playing in their yard and while they were having lunch. I began in Romans. It is my goal to go through it slowly, to meditate on small sections as opposed to speed reading through it just to say I read my Bible. At one point the Holy Spirit led me to Psalm 37, where I got "stuck" on verse 4. What does it mean to delight myself in the Lord? How can I be delighting in Him on a more regular basis? This prompted me to do a topical search on delight, which took me to Psalm 1: 1-2. I want to be like a tree planted near streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and whose leaf does not wither, who prospers in all he does. How? by delighting in His law, meditating on it day and night and by NOT walking in the counsel of the wicked (not sowing to the flesh with worldly ideas)!

Aren't you amazed when God begins a work in your life and everything begins to come together and make sense? You can look back and see God's hand at work months ago. Revealing something here, something there, and then one day He opens your eyes and you think...WHOA! This all ties together and the bottom line is that an amazingly gracious and merciful God, a loving heavenly Father, wants my attention, wants to open my heart to receive more of Him, more of His grace, more forgiveness. He wants to prune me so that I can bloom and grow. It hurts, a lot sometimes, but it's so worth the pain in the end. I am ashamed of my lack of desire to spend time with Him when He has given soooo much to spend time with me!

Oh, Father, forgive me for my selfishness and my laziness in investing in this relationship. Help me to press into You more, to seek You more often, to come to You with my every need that I might find greater satisfaction in You. Thank You for loving me enough to discipline me and point me in the right direction. Help me to delight in Your Word, Lord, let me be like the prophet Jeremiah who said, "Your Words were found and I ate them, and Your Words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart..." Lord, allow this heart to fall in love with You. Let it seek nothing else above You. "For there is none like You. You pardon iniquity and pass over transgression for the remnant of Your inheritance. You do not retain Your anger forever because you delight in steadfast love. You will again have compassion on us and will tread our iniquities under foot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. You will show faithfulness to Your people as You have sworn from days of old." (Micah 7: 18-20)

Faithful and Just are You, Oh God, and to You I lift up praise!

Do we seek God in vain?

2008-06-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 45:19 (ESV) I did not speak in secret, in a land of darkness; I did not say to the offspring of Jacob, 'Seek me in vain.' I the Lord speak the truth; I declare what is right.....
Isaiah 45:25 (ESV)..... In the Lord all the offspring of Israel shall be justified and shall glory."

There it is, a promise straight from the mouth of God. If you've ever "felt" like your crying out to God was in vain, unheard, ignored, overlooked.....it's a lie! One of satan's wicked deceptions about The Almighty! We do not seek Him in vain! We may not see the results we desire in our lives immediately or ever, but we can count on His promise that He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

I have recently been in a dry place. During my first semester back to school, I desired to do well. Who wouldn't, right? But, to the detriment of my walk with God. Instead of my quiet times taking precedence, I spent every waking hour studying. I became obsessed with keeping my A's and would beat myself up if I missed more than 1 question on a quiz! Well, I did it. I managed to come out of the semester with a 4.0, a perfect A in medical terminology and an almost perfect A in Biology, and a heart that was on it's way down a path of worldly sowing. Don't get me wrong, studying is a good thing. Doing well in school is a great thing and ALL glory and honor go to Him for bringing me through this semester. The problem is that I put those grades above Him. I put my pride above Him and I paid the price for it. Over the last few weeks, God has graciously allowed me to see where I strayed, but not before lovingly allowing me to experience the effects of my choices.

I should also point out that during this dry time in my life, God was so kind to remind me of the Gospel. He didn't allow me to concede to guild and condemnation, but fueled me with His Spirit and the Truth of His Gospel. Yes, I was sinning and yes, I was suffering the consequences of my sin, but I had hope in the One who died for those sins and His power to lift me out of the mire and set my feet on solid ground, firm in Him! I knew that I needed to change some things and I'll be honest with you, I wasn't motivated to do it. So, I prayed that God would not only began to change my heart but that He would empower me to do what I needed to do. I trusted that it was His work alone that would bring about true restoration and desire.....and guess what! He did! Almost immediately. I was so grateful that I was even aware of what was happening. That was God working in my heart even before I asked!

In the book, 10 questions to diagnose your spiritual health, by Donald Whitney, he tells the story of his daughter straying from him in a restaurant, distracted by all the games and sounds, only to look up and realize that she had strayed so far she couldn't find him. She began to cry out for him and in that moment all that mattered was that she wanted to be in the presence of her father. "That's the cry of the dry soul. Other things may have distracted you, but now the only thing that matters is a return of your Father's presence" (Whitney) WOW! I have been so distracted, running after earthly rewards, spiralling downward as I pursued them, "feeling" further from God than I cared to be and all I wanted was to be in my Father's presence! I wanted to feel His arms around me, the safety and surety of being cared for by Him. He never left me. He was there, arms wide open, to pick me up and to love me! How amazing is that?

I was reminded today of the prayer Donald Whitney quotes from A.W. Tozer, in 10 questions... pg. 23:
"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made thirsty still"

I want to be the the satisfied soul that having tasted of His goodness wants more! Oh God, help me to be satisfied in You. Fill me with longing for more of You. Lord, let me not forget You are my treasure. You are my reward! Let me desire nothing else above You. Desires are good, as long as they do not usurp You and Your place on the throne of my heart! Thank You for loving me so much that You began a work in me before I was even aware of where I was straying. Thank You for giving me the grace to keep my eyes on Jesus and my thoughts on the Gospel! Thank You for changing my heart, for giving me a purpose, reminding me to sow to eternity. You are my Savior, my King, my best friend, my love, my destiny! I love you Lord!

Do we seek God in vain? Absolutely NOT! Praise Him.

The Wedding Day

2008-06-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

I went for a walk yesterday after work to enjoy the weather and to get some exercise in. I love my walks because God so often speaks to me when I'm taking them. Such was my experience yesterday evening! I was praying for different folks and for myself and being grateful for the changes that the Holy Spirit has made in me over the years since I submitted my life to His control and I asked Him if He would speak to me during that time.

A few moments later I began to pray the prayer every single woman prays, "God, would You please bring me my husband? Would you prepare me for him as You work in my life and would you also be preparing him for me?" When I suddenly stopped and realized that He is doing just that! He is preparing me for my bridegroom, for The Wedding Day! Every change He has made in me has made me more like Christ and brought me one step closer to Him. Christ is my bridegroom! How could I overlook that? How could I long for something less and ignore this monumental truth? If I desire to be the best I can be for some man on earth why shouldn't I desire all the more to be the best I can be for my bridegroom, Jesus, who waits for me in heaven?

Not exactly a revelation to most, but for me, in that moment, God revealed my heart that is so easily satisfied in far less than He has for me and He reminded me that He is the lover of my soul. He is the one I live for! How kind of Him to do that for me! He owes me nothing and yet, He continually lavishes His grace and affection upon me!

What a great walk (and thanks to Lisa for choosing to go to prayer instead of joining me, because anyone who knows me knows that if you had come, I would have been talking far too much to listen to the soft, gentle, voice of the Spirit)!

I pray that He would not allow this to be a fleeting moment, but one that sticks in my mind and allows me to rest in Him as I continue to grow and pursue His will for my life. Feel free to join me in that prayer.

Father, I thank You for loving me in spite of myself. Thank You for continuing to point me to truths and to carry me through my doubts and worries. Please remind me regularly of this amazing truth, that You are my destiny! You are amazing and faithful to Your word! Oh my soul, Praise Him who gave His life to spend eternity with you, that you might enjoy Him and all His goodness! Praise the Lord, oh my soul!

The Hound of Heaven

2008-06-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

Someone I love and admire (David Pressau) once pointed me to the poem of this same title and I must say it has been my experience with the Almighty God, my loving Heavenly Father, that He continually pursues me around every corner, in every pit, on every mountaintop, never letting me stray very far before He graciously and mercifully leads me back pouring our Amazing Grace upon my life. The same God that I ran hard to avoid. Why does He do this? Because of the sacrificial love of Jesus, who laid down His life as propitiation for my sins and lavished me with the riches of His glory, His righteousness imputed to me! Oh my soul, sing praises to the God who saved you. Sing praises to the King, the hound of heaven.

This blog is dedicated to Him. A collection of thoughts, experiences, and lessons that display His amazing grace! The unfolding story of His work in my life as He continues to pursue me and sanctify me that I might one day be like His Son. It was birthed out of time in my life when I was sowing to many things in this world at the expense of sowing to the Spirit. In His mercy and kindness He has shown me my sinful heart and has gently led me to this place where I am honored and excited to sow to eternity! No more computer games for hours at a time (half an hour a day and you can feel free to ask me how I'm doing with that), instead it will be time in His word, in prayer, and in journaling through this blog in the hopes that He will not only use it for my good but that others might experience His goodness through sharing.

I pray that you are blessed and that He is glorified.

HE IS GOOD! AMEN!