Finding Peace in the Pain

It's amazing how our bodies hold onto memories and the slightest things can set us off. Two days ago I was sitting in the living room at work and Dana opened the door to let the dog out and left the door open. As I sat there playing Scrabble on my phone the cool autumn breeze blew through the screen and the smell of the air triggered thoughts of camping trips and walks in the park and it made me cry. This is going to be a long and rough road, but I know it's the right road and I know that God will give me the grace I need to keep walking it. There is peace in the pain of letting go because I know that God has so much more on the other side, like the calm in the storm. It's interesting to me as I walk through this process of grieving I am learning much about myself and much about my God. He loves me, that I cannot deny. I am so grateful for that truth. I don't regret obeying Him. I don't resent Him for asking me to let go of Tim. I know that this is how it has to be. It still hurts, but not as badly.
I know now, why it's so important to guard your heart, to seek God and to heed the warnings that He sends. He uses all things to His glory. He is working all things for our good. I believe this with all my heart, which is why I'll keep walking this road. I walk with hope that there is great joy in store. Even now, there is joy in knowing that God has a future and a plan for my life and that He loves me so much that He will not let anything get in the way...even me!

After Letting Go

I honestly thought that letting go was going to be the hardest part of this whole process, but it wasn't. The time leading up to the conversation with Tim was excruciating. I didn't want to do it and wasn't sure I would until the moment it happened. After hanging up the phone, I felt relief that it was over. I had followed through in obedience to God. Surely it would get better from here. Right? Not the case. It was in the following days that I realized that the physical action of letting go was only the first step. My heart is still being pruned. God is more concerned with our hearts and He's obviously not finished working in mine.
I realized that I started to pull away from God over the 2-3 days following my conversation with Tim. I didn't want to pick up His Word and my prayers were short and few. Instead, I found myself watching more television, calling my friends, hanging out, sleeping, playing on facebook...whatever it took to drown my pain, push it away. I wouldn't even let myself cry. I was resenting God for making me give up my friend. But then God, in His mercy and kindness opened my eyes to what I was doing. I'm still fighting the urge to "run and hide", to cover my pain, but with a renewed sense of what is going on and that God wants me to come to Him.
He didn't ask me to let go of this friendship/relationship because He wanted to hurt me. He sees my pain but He also sees the pain that would have come if I had continued on the path I was on. He knows my frame, He knows how I am made..He knows my weaknesses and He sympathizes with them because He too was tempted in every way, only without sin. He loves me. He wants His best for me. He knows every tear I have shed and He says that He is the one who heals the brokenhearted. He is my comforter. He is my Father, and He wants me to come and lean on Him during this time as I grieve the loss of something I wanted so badly, something I thought for sure was from Him.
I am keenly aware of why God has said no to this relationship and I don't want it back, but that doesn't make the loss easier. I cried tonight, but it wasn't a pity party, it was a release brought on by the truth that I have a Heavenly Father who wants to work in my heart to make changes so that I do not make the same mistakes again. It was a genuine cry for spiritual revelation and regeneration in someone I love very much and also for grace for myself. It was me being honest with God and myself. It was the result of my heart breaking just a little more as I continue to let go and allow God to heal my pain, to put the pieces of my life together as He sees fit and not according to my desires...my dream needs to be torn apart so that God can mend my heart, make me the woman He wants me to be.
I am so grateful for a God who loves me so much, who will not give up on me even when I want to give up, who will discipline me and change me at whatever cost because He loves me and wants what is best for me.
Thank You, Father, for being faithful even when I am not. Thank You for holding me tightly even when I am trying to run and hide. Thank You for saving me even when I wasn't looking to be saved. I love you, LORD, because You first loved me. Thank you that I can come before Your throne of grace at anytime and in any condition, because Jesus paved the way.

Letting Go

True faith is learning to let go, trusting that God can and will do what is best for you as you choose to walk in obedience to Him no matter how hard it may seem. In fact, the harder it is the more we must press into Him, cry out to Him. Letting go of Idols is difficult. Even when God says "do you want _____ or ME?" my sinful heart hesitates and only by His grace decides that it's HIM I truly want. Yet, I still want to look back, question why I have to give it up, bargain with Him..."what if I promise to put You first, can't I still have _____?" God is so patient, so gentle and kind, abounding in steadfast love for those He calls HIS own. Why am I afraid that He will "leave me hanging"? Why can't I trust Him, why can't I stay the course? I can relate so well to Paul when he talks about doing the things he doesn't want to do and not being able to do the things he wants to do...the Spirit is willing, but the flesh is soooo weak. Praise God that we have ONE who was able to do it for us. ONE who was tempted in every way as we were, but was without sin, who sympathizes with our weaknesses, who fulfilled the law we NEVER could and then died in our place so that we can be declared righteous before a HOLY GOD! Oh, how aware I am of my weakness, but even more aware of the power of GOD to save. He is my strength and He alone is my refuge. Oh, God, help me to turn from my Idols and my sin and Follow You. I am weak and unable to do so on my own. I need Your help. You are my Salvation! I praise You oh Glorious One.

What is God calling you to leave behind?

saying goodbye

today I said goodbye to an incredible woman, my grandmother. Today she went home to be with Jesus. It's a confusing time emotionally. I'm saddened at the loss of someone I love but I can't help but be excited about the thought that she is rejoicing before the throne of God. One minute I want to cry and the next I want to Praise God that she is no longer suffering. As a christian, death is bittersweet. It's just a right of passage to something far greater, unimaginably greater. Yet, as human beings we suffer when someone we love passes on. My Noni was a great woman. She was incredibly strong and hardworking, nurturing and caring. She loved God and she loved her family.
She lived through WWII, most of the time on the run with 2 small children (1 of whom was my dad). She moved here to America with her family in 1950's and 4 years after being here lost her husband to stomach cancer. A single mom of 5 children, she worked as a seamstress for Joseph Horns and she still found time to cook from scratch and care for her kids. She never remarried. When her oldest son lost his wife in a car accident and left him a widow with 4 children, she moved in and helped him care for them until he was remarried. Every Sunday she would gather her family of 5 kids and 17 grandkids so that we could enjoy great food and time together. She would love to sing and I think that's where my love of music came from. I will miss her very much, but I look forward to the day that I will stand in heaven with her and worship our God and Savior.

Fasting from television

So, I chose to fast from television over the last three days so that I could spend that time with God instead. I have to say that it's been nice. It all started 3 nights ago when the Holy Spirit made me aware of my intense desire to lose weight and my diligence in working out every day. I make the effort every night to do my work out and I don't let anything get in the way; not mood, time, fatigue, other people, television...nothing. SO, WHY THEN, if I desire to grow in my relationship with God and my knowledge of Him, do I not make that same effort to spend time with HIM? I know, seems so simple, but it just hit me and I knew that it needed to change. Now, I fully and completely credit the Holy Spirit for opening my eyes and because He has, I can fully trust that He will provide the grace I need to do it, BUT, I also need to take action. The Bible is filled with verbs... those little words that tell us what we need to do in response, and that is where the fast from television came about. I am allowing myself the time to view my work out videos, but anything else is off limits. At work, while Sammie sleeps, no more television until I've spent time before God, quality time, in His word and still before Him, waiting to hear from Him. Late at night before bed, same thing. I'm not saying no more television ever, but for now, at least, it's got to be shut off. I am excited to see how God will use this time. I am excited to spend time with Him and to get to know Him better. Please feel free to pray for me.

Why is it so easy to doubt God when He is the only One who has been completely faithful? The only answer i can come up with is , of course, sin. I doubt God because I look at my situation and things are not going the way I think they should, so I begin to believe that God is not for me, that He is withholding something from me, that He wants to see me hurting. How absurd are these thoughts, and yet, these are the very things that I have been believing. How do you fight this? With the truth, obviously, but when you're in the midst of this doubt how do you lift your eyes to find the truth? Isn't that what the church is for? Isn't that why God gave us friendships? Are we not to point one another to Christ and to remind one another of truth? How do we do that when we're too busy to bother? I know that I am guilty of this. I get so caught up in my own life and everything that needs to occur, that I forget to pick up the phone and call to see how the rest of you are doing. The church at large is guilty of this. In our society today it's all about me, me, me and everything is on high speed and there are so many distractions. As we pray for "revival" in our church, I pray that the Holy Spirit would step in and lift our eyes first and foremost to Christ and to our Heavenly Father, but also to direct our gaze outward to the needs of those around us, both spiritual and physical, and that He would remove the distractions of the world so that we can focus on what is most important....Love! Loving our God with all our hearts, minds and souls, and loving our neighbors as ourselves. If I loved my neighbor even a 10th of how I love myself what a difference I could make in their life.
Father, forgive me for my selfish pursuits and my vain obsessions. Help me to lift my eyes toward Heaven and to be more aware of those around me. Help me to grow in love for my neighbors, my brothers and sister in the church, my family...help me to place others needs above my own. Show me where I can step outside of myself more and position myself to do Your work.
Thank You for even bringing this to my attention, because You want to change me. I am so grateful that You never let me go and that there is NOTHING that can separate me from the love of Christ, because even when there is no one else there to point me to Christ, even when I am in the midst of trial and doubt, YOU will not leave me or forsake me, You lift my eyes and gently point me to the cross and remind me that I am Yours and that You love me. Thank You. Oh God, my God, how I long to see You face to face, to sing Your praises for all eternity and to know You. Thank YOU for loving me.

Looking Back

So, recently I have had a number of people from grade school and high school get in touch with me through facebook. It's been an interesting time for me to reflect on God's grace and goodness in my life, in lifting me out of my former life and giving me a new one. But, it's also caused me to look back at some not so wonderful memories. Believe it or not, I was not at all popular in school. In fact, I was the object of much ridicule and teasing. I'm not sure why. I think it was because I was shy and quiet, an easy target back then, younger than everyone else in my class. I used to let it bother me. In fact, my grade school experience left me quite depressed and lonely, questioning God as to why I was so unloveable? Why no one liked me. The truth is, not everyone treated me poorly. It was a small group of girls and a few guys, but it was every day. Over the years, as I moved to Uniontown, started high school, met new people, I learned that I wasn't the only one that was outcast. I began to look for people who didn't fit in and make friends with them. I decided that no one should ever feel the way I did in school. For those of you who know me now, you'll note that one of my greatest giftings is including everyone in my life, no matter how different. God used that time to plant in me a seed of compassion that He continually waters with His Spirit so that it continues to grow. Had I not experienced the things I did, I may have turned out completely different. In fact, I could imagine that I'd be pretty arrogant and not very caring at all. God knew what He was doing. Why does that always surprise me? It shouldn't! I am who I am today because of each and every experience that God allowed in my life. I have been stuck on Psalm 139:16 lately. God had written all the days of my life before there was any. He has woven together an intricate plan for my life that will make me the person He has designed me to be for the purpose of bringing Him glory. In the meantime, He has allowed me to enjoy many blessings, suffer many trials that I might grow, love many people, and in the end......see Him face to face and enjoy Him for all eternity! Who would have thought getting in touch with the painful past could point me to a far greater future. God is good no matter what is going on around you. He loves you and He has a plan for your life. Praise Him because He is worthy!